2% memories by the way

[only_one_m]

[Audio]

I think we all know by now that our collective ability to withhold information is impaired, possibly due to some sort of psychosomatic gas or radiation. So to cut to the chase, I'm a bounty hunter who primarily takes contracts from the Galactic Federation Army on the condition that I have full autonomy whenever possible.

I have special permission to access things like confidential GFA logs and restricted areas due to connections I made actually working for the Federation officially when I was younger. Essentially, I'm a VIP among problem solvers, though I still can't remember any specific missions from either part of my career.

Also, Gordon, I managed to decrypt the data you were looking for and upload it in the lab. I'd have told you in private, but...

Comments

[trustycrowbar]

No need to worry about that, I'll keep a tight lid on it. 'S a matter of fact... [Beep beep, ding!] I'll encrypt the server copy so it's accessible only by me; that way none of the boys at the lab can play connect the tech with your stuff. I don't think they'll miss it, THEY weren't the ones who asked for it after all.

Okay... let's take a look at this thing...

...

[There's a long, low whistle over the speakers.]

[only_one_m]

For what it's worth, the technology seems extraordinary even to me. Given what little I've remembered of my background, I'd think having exclusive access to it is part of how I gained so much, well... influence.

[trustycrowbar]

With that I've seen you do with that suit, I have no doubts at that. Thing's incredible. Makes mine look like a piece a' junk. [He remarks, too distracted to mourn the loss of censorship.] Is that... a dimensional fold configuration for all the armaments? Huh, I guess that explains where you keep all those missiles. Fold 'em up into two dimensions and you can store as many as you want in that arm canon.

[There's a pause.]

Hey... you, want to look this thing over with me sometime?

[only_one_m]

Good idea. Two heads are better than one, and I'll most likely be able to tell you more about the underlying principles of the technology when I remember where I got it.


[Yyyyyyyyyyep, 100% at face value.]

[trustycrowbar]

Exactly! You may be able to read some of the stuff better than I am, and if I can get a working model of their notation then maybe I can work up some way of helping you get the upgrades you're missing--[Of course, honesty fields being what they are...] but 's more than just that, and I was wondering if you'd--

[The confession is cut short by a loud CRACK of something that sounds like... a whip?]

BEHOLD! I am CAFFINATRIX! And this little coffee shop is now the first base in operations towards taking over the city! [Another whip crack, followed by a yelp from some middle-aged man in the distance.] Ohohoho no, you're not leaving yet, my little pets...

...Whoa, where the hell did she get that outfit? Uh, okay Samus, the weekend sometime, we'll decide where then... gotta go. Something just came up.

[only_one_m]

It... actually it doesn't sound very serious, really. [The vast majority of these supervillain types were basically the discerning bounty hunter's idea of menial tasks.]

I assume you can handle it?

[trustycrowbar]

And you assume right. [Wow, that actually sounded pretty cool.] Problem is I don't actually have my suit right now, so this is probably going to hurt like hell. Fortunately I have a high pain threshold. [...nevermind.]

YOU! NO CELLPHONES! [And with a definite crack and a clatter the phone is knocked from his hand, landing nearby. Instead of the call conveniently cutting short Samus can hear the whole ordeal, Caffinatrix screaming demands, scuffling and crashing sounds, the occasional crack of a whip (And a yelp that definitely is in Gordon's voice this time) and in the end... a single decisive PAANK of a crowbar and a thud.]

...He did it! Captain Crowbar saved us!

Ggph--I keep telling you guys, I'm not Captain Crowbar! [A clatter as he picks the phone up again.] ...Wait, is this thing still on? You, uh, heard all that huh?