anemoi | (no subject)

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[ACTION]

*The memories had swapped back, leaving Hiroshi saddled with yet another nightmare scenario. This one made even less sense than the previous ones; he didn't even LOOK like himself. He'd swear it wasn't him at all if people weren't calling him by name, and if Takuro (damnit, Takuro, why do you keep dying) hadn't been there at all. But the monsters were there, and those little recurring details.

The bait-and-switch has left him feeling drained. He seems like he's not paying much attention to anything as a result, almost going through the motions of things more than anything else. He's beginning to wonder what sort of genocides he pulled off in a past life to deserve this sort of a situation.

Either way, even if he's trying not to act it, he is visibly depressed.*

[VIDEO]

...

No, forget it. I just...

...

Sorry. It's not important.

*He disconnects. What was THAT about?*

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Not important, my ass. [Spoken softly despite the wording.] What's going on, Hiroshi?

Mr. Gordon.

...I'm not sure how much more of these memories I can take, sir.

I see the swap-back worked for you too. [He was afraid it was something like that. He sighs.]

You want to talk about it?

*He runs his hand through his hair.*

This recent set... it barely even makes any sense. Everybody's different. Friends, bullies... even I don't look the same. But I can still tell it's the same event; there's those little things that happen every time. And even if I don't look the same, it's still me. I mean... how many more sets of these ARE there?

[The "correct" answer would be an infinite number, in potentia. But there's no way in hell he'd say that right now.]

I wish I could do something to stop it, kid. But there's no way to stop or slow down the rate you get back memories. Best you can do is accelerate it with Anemoi.

...

I wonder... is there something I did to deserve this? Nobody else seems to have this problem. It's not very scientific, but I can't help but feel that...

*He takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes.*

Maybe if I had just run back for the ones who tripped... or insisted more on staying with the others, or...

Don't go blaming yourself! If you'd done that, then you wouldn't be alive to remember ANYTHING, let alone everything. I'm sure you did the best you could do at the time--well, at any of the times. No one expects any more than that from you.

[Dammit, Hiroshi doesn't deserve this! That's it, there has to be a way to untangle the knot of causality he's tied up in!]

But if I had done MORE, who's to say someone ELSE couldn't have lived? That's what gets me, Mr. Gordon. It's like I'm the only one who gets out, and... and it feels like I'm being punished for that, or something!

I know, kid! But sometimes you just can't save everyone! You just... can't! [That was maybe a bit louder than he'd figured it'd be. He clears his throat awkwardly.]

You're going to have to move on... or else you'll be lost in those memories forever. You don't want that.

...I know you mean well, Mr. Gordon. But moving on sort of requires my memories to stop coming back to hound me.

Hey? Are...are you all right?

Just tired. Very, very tired.

...

Hey... have you ever felt... singled out before?

Singled out? Not really. Why do you ask?

It's just... nothing. Never mind. Don't worry about it. You should feel happy for that, at least.

Of course I'm worried! You don't seem okay.

It's nothing anybody can really do anything about anyway. Don't think too hard about it.

Is there anything I can do to help you, right now? It's really not a problem!

I'll... think about it. Thanks.

Okay! Whatever you do, I hope you feel better.

It doesn't sound convincing at all when you go through the trouble of making a video post and then say it's not important.

What happened?

It doesn't matter. Nobody can really do anything about it anyway.

Don't people keep saying that getting things off your chest is better than bottling it up? If there's something you need to talk about, just... talk about it. I'm pretty sure nobody's going to judge you for it.

I could say it, but I don't think it would help much to be honest. It's... not that simple.

Complicated how?

Like even if I were to tell people, it'd probably only be a temporary buffer before what's bothering me comes back again.

Why? Is it just something to do with all of your memories or something?

All of them -- or maybe the same damn one over and over and over again.

What do you mean, over and over again? Have you just been remembering the same thing?

Sort of. It's more like... like variations. Over and over and over again. Mr. Gordon thinks I might be remembering alternate universes for some reason. I don't think I have to tell you what I'm remembering repeatedly, though.

This last one would've barely connected if it weren't for a few details here and there. I barely even know who some of these people are. Like this Kazuya guy...

*He frowns a bit. There's something about the name that niggles, though.*

[That gets a raised eyebrow, as well as just... general concern. He hadn't heard about anyone else getting their memories back like that.]

Alternate... universes? Weird.

What were the details?

Hiroshi... are you all right?

Oh, sir...

I'm sorry, it's just... My memories have been wearing me down a bit.

Yeah...

[Rudolph is silent for several moments]

If you feel like it, I can lend an ear.

Sir... what would you do if your own mind won't let you forget your own mistakes? Like, more literally than usual?

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