(no subject)

[hatefriendleader]

[Karkat, after disappearing and reappearing, is for formality's sake being reprocessed through the labs just in case his memories have been stolen again. The staff tries to go through the script and repeatedly remind him that even if he remembers Sirocco, he might not recall everything and may be disoriented. He's been repeatedly telling them to shut up and leave him alone while being jostled around.

They knew this was coming. The pressure cooker just sprung a leak. He can be heard from the apartments easily.]


OH MY FUCKING GOD GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PRIMITIVE SHITSPONGED PSEUDOSCIENTIST NOOKSNIFFING RETARDS!

I fucking know! Anemoi! Jobs! Monsters! Apartments! My name is Karkat Vantas and I'm a troll from Alternia and I had several terrible friends and was an apalling failure! My symbol means "freak of nature who should be skewered full of arrows and burned alive for being awful garbage" and my lusus loved dead things that smelled like shit! My wriggling day is the twelfth bilunar perigee of the sixth dark season's equinox! I have an extensive collection of dumb romantic comedies on my grub drive! I remember all the pointless bullshit I rememered while I was in this dump and I remember all the new and inane memories I made with the amnesiac chump asshole brigade who lives here!

[He tears a calendar off the wall and begins kind of crumpling it up a little just for effect.]

How long was I even gone, anyway?!? Should I have aged or something? Was I in stasis? I can't fucking make sense of your bizarre so-called "human earth calendars!" What even is a "month?" Like four solar sweeps? Wonderful! The more time I missed in these zany human-infested behemoth leaving-grounds the less I can claim to have witnessed of the shittiest gathering of wiggler-fucking morons in probably all universes ever!

NOW WHERE'S MY FUCKING ROOM KEY?!?

Comments

[gogoghostpowers]

Sounds like you've been having a great day today.

[hatefriendleader]

Oh goddammit. I've only been gone for a few weeks, haven't I. I was hoping you'd be dead.

[Nah just kidding he's relieved to see him.]

[gogoghostpowers]

Then you're in luck! 'Cause I am.

[mokomanjuu]

Uwaa~!

It's Karkat! Mokona hasn't seen Karkat in a very long time!

[hatefriendleader]

How long is "very long?" Nobody will tell me what the fuck a May and a June are.

[mokomanjuu]

Long enough for Mokona to get married and have three lovely children.

[nomen_est_numen]

[He'll hear this from Gordon's phone.]

Please, just... throw that thing out, Gordon. You can do that, right? Just... tape its mouth shut or knock it out or something and... throw it off a cliff. There's a cliff northeast of the labs. No-one will miss it.

[trustycrowbar]

[The response comes a few moments later, with an added bonus of Karkat's rant louder, in stereo, in the background.]

You know I can't do that, Shen. As interested as I am in seeing how high he'd bounce. I may not be one of the medical doctors, but I can't in good conscience harm anyone in new processing just because people don't LIKE them.

[nomen_est_numen]

I know. But I'd be remiss in my curmudgeonly duties if I didn't say these things.

[has_a_blog]

....

[Mutes phone]

[hatefriendleader]

[Did you think this could be heard from the apartments because of the phones or something? No, silly, he's just being that loud.]

[trustycrowbar]

["We need to train you on new arrivals" they said. "There'll probably be no reason we'll ever ask you to use it" they said.]

Yeah, we missed you too, prostate-poker. Good to know you're the same shitty bundle of rage and inner-wiggler mommy issues as always.

[The other scientists look pretty uncomfortable with the language, and are keeping a good radius around Karkat. What's been slowly dawning on Gordon after EIGHT HOURS of listening to it is that this isn't antagonism, not really. It's a language.]

[...Either that or he has completely lost his fucking mind, which is a valid possibility and one he was actually pretty comfortable with at this point. He grabs the room keycard and flips it at Karkat, aiming for the head.]

Here you go. I'm pretty sure any collection of dumbass romantic comedies you had would still be immaculate; I can't think of person-one that would touch them.

[hatefriendleader]

Ow!

You know what? You're right! Nobody else I've ever met has had half-decent taste in cinema. And what the fuck is a mommy issue?

[trustycrowbar]

I see enough drooling strumpets at Sundollar Coffee to fill my week already; I don't need to watch them on a TV screen too. [Karkat always seems to bring out the best in people, doesn't he?]

Oh yeah, I forgot that you guys don't procreate the way we do. Hive Queen issue, then, whatever. Now hold still--

[Karkat may not have enough time to notice that he's got the vaccination jet gun until he's already shot him on the arm.]

[the_ko_stands_for_tiger]

*He looks up from his paper.*

Huh. Kid's back.

*He goes back to reading.*

[hatefriendleader]

You're damn right I'm back, and I've got a gigantic lump of osseous matter to pick with you. It is a conspicuous protrusion I intend to pick, here. A selection of bone that might even be described as bulgelike.


People actually take you semi-seriously, right? Right?

[the_ko_stands_for_tiger]

Huh? I guess so, why?

*Which is, now that he thinks about it, kind of weird, but not unwelcome.*

[Video]

[youngestboxer]

...Oh. You're back, huh?

[hatefriendleader]

Unfortunately for you. Okay well unfortunately for everyone, really. Including me. Especially me.


Fuck this planet.

[youngestboxer]

Well, you disappeared once, so maybe you'll get lucky and it'll happen again.

[video]

[theheirofbreath]

Hey, you came back!

[John missed this guy. He is hilarious to talk to.]

And they let you keep your memories!

[hatefriendleader]

Oh yes, good for me! I'm so glad I remember all my own intense shortcomings and the embarrassing bullshit that's happened to me pretty much constantly since I pupated apparently. Most of all I thank the dumbass gods for preserving my recollection of you, John Friend Human, and the way your voice quivers with moronic excitement at the prospect of having your own flaming rump verbally handed to you yet again while you giggle like a retarded child watching zoo animals pleasure themselves.

I resent them for not just skipping to the good part and lobotomizing me.

[theheirofbreath]

Hahahahahaha! Oh man.... I forgot how funny you were!

[Yeah, as far as John is concerned, they're just friends. Whether Karkat agrees or not.]

Did you get your new room yet?

[overwinters]

[ ... well, that sure is a yelling guy. She doesn't even know some of those words, so Ilya is just curiously staring, apparently unfazed by the yelling. ]

You were here before, but left?

[hatefriendleader]

Wow, we've got a quick fucking learner here. You really picked up on the subtleties of the message I've been overtly screaming about all day. Yes, little human wiggler, that is probably a thing I did.