anemoi | (no subject)

[Karkat, after disappearing and reappearing, is for formality's sake being reprocessed through the labs just in case his memories have been stolen again. The staff tries to go through the script and repeatedly remind him that even if he remembers Sirocco, he might not recall everything and may be disoriented. He's been repeatedly telling them to shut up and leave him alone while being jostled around.

They knew this was coming. The pressure cooker just sprung a leak. He can be heard from the apartments easily.]

OH MY FUCKING GOD GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PRIMITIVE SHITSPONGED PSEUDOSCIENTIST NOOKSNIFFING RETARDS!

I fucking know! Anemoi! Jobs! Monsters! Apartments! My name is Karkat Vantas and I'm a troll from Alternia and I had several terrible friends and was an apalling failure! My symbol means "freak of nature who should be skewered full of arrows and burned alive for being awful garbage" and my lusus loved dead things that smelled like shit! My wriggling day is the twelfth bilunar perigee of the sixth dark season's equinox! I have an extensive collection of dumb romantic comedies on my grub drive! I remember all the pointless bullshit I rememered while I was in this dump and I remember all the new and inane memories I made with the amnesiac chump asshole brigade who lives here!

[He tears a calendar off the wall and begins kind of crumpling it up a little just for effect.]

How long was I even gone, anyway?!? Should I have aged or something? Was I in stasis? I can't fucking make sense of your bizarre so-called "human earth calendars!" What even is a "month?" Like four solar sweeps? Wonderful! The more time I missed in these zany human-infested behemoth leaving-grounds the less I can claim to have witnessed of the shittiest gathering of wiggler-fucking morons in probably all universes ever!

NOW WHERE'S MY FUCKING ROOM KEY?!?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sounds like you've been having a great day today.

Oh goddammit. I've only been gone for a few weeks, haven't I. I was hoping you'd be dead.

[Nah just kidding he's relieved to see him.]

Then you're in luck! 'Cause I am.

What.

I'm dead!

...What, you didn't know?

I don't pay attention to you. Did... did you die recently?

Edited 2012-06-14 21:00 (UTC)

[He could be honest here. Oooorrrrrr....]

Oh, yeah. They buried me in a small cemetery just outside town in the forest--there was a funeral and everything.

A group of us went to check out one the ruins, but there were crocodiles everywhere. Before I knew it, they all jumped me and ripped me apart with their vicious alligator teeth before anyone could help. [he shrugs.] It's just what happens when you don't work together as a team, I guess.

Oh... oh my god. I'm sorry, man.

I'm so sorry.

[This would be funny if Karkat weren't being so grave and not-angry for once...

...No, no, it's still funny.]

Well, it's not so bad once you get used to it. No one can see or touch me, and the only way I can contact anyone at all is through this phone, but hey! At least I'm still here, right?

[he's trying really hard not to burst out laughing right now.]

Hey, no, cut that shit out, it's creepy. Stop it with the acceptance and the weird spooky happiness. It's the worst part of talking to dead people.

Well, what else am I supposed to do? It's either this or start haunting people and leading them to an early death.

I thought the happy option was better, buuuuut...

What hey no. No! Can't you just be all maudlin and shit? Moan or something! Harmlessly!

No can do. Moaning is a slippery slope that leads to homicide.

That doesn't even fucking make sense!

Well, not to you--you're not dead!

Look, whatever, continue being creepily cheerful if you want. I don't care. God this is fucked up, I'm arguing with a dead moron.

Hey come on now, just because I'm dead doesn't make me a moron!

Of course not. You being a moron was a starting condition here. The dead thing is new.

Oh come on. Name one instance when I was being a moron.

You once plastd explicit footage of a bunch of totally justified couldn't-be-helped puke all over the network for no reason.

Yeah, but you're the one who puked all over my bathroom in the first place. I think on the scale of being a moron, you're way higher than me.

Do humans only vomit for pleasure or something? You know what, scratch that question. Knowing what I know about your species I'm almost positive the answer is yes. See, generally we trolls do it involuntarily! But yes, okay. An emergency of bodily functions says so much more about my character than thinking it's appropriate to broadcast said emergency publically does about yours.

Thinking about it, I don't care that you died after all.

[He does. Also, you're a dick for that.]

Okay, let me rephrase. The moron part comes from refusing to help clean up your own gross alien mess--or at least not vomiting in the sink or something so I could just rinse it out.

Is cleaning a concept you guys have?

You didn't deserve my help. Also I think I passed out not long after that. I've repressed the whole event so it's kind of fuzzy.

No you didn't! You just started screaming about me trying to clean up your vomit with a mop or something.

(no subject)

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