[Audio]

[planet_rin]

I am pretty sure that now is a good time to not be outside the apartments so here I am. Don't know where big blue has shown up, but would rather not take chances. Mysterious mural project on hold.

[filtered to people who have had at least one conversation with Rin]
Congratulations. You get to listen to the extra-incoherent rambly bits, because I feel like it. Pretend that I am lying on a couch, and you are sitting on a chair next to it, frowning thoughtfully and taking notes and charging me huge amounts of money.

I don't know what I'm doing with my painting. It's like I'm trying to paint to get something that's inside of me out, but then I do it and I found out that there isn't anything inside me. I'm just full of holes, or something. Thought I should try painting to fill the holes, but I don't know how to do that. If I changed how I paint that much, I don't know if I'd be able to go back to the other way.

Will remembering change anything? Maybe it won't. Maybe it would just add more context for what I'm missing. Maybe I was always like this.

Got some charcoal, though. I think charcoal is OK, for some reason. Simpler.

Accordingly,
[/filter]
If you are bored and talk to me, I will draw you. No charge, I am not a professional.

[filtered to Tohsaka]

Oh, almost forgot. Remembered eighteenth birthday. Nineteen next month. I win.

Comments

filter;

[gandere]

You've got to be kidding me. You can't be older than me!

[planet_rin]

Why not?

[gandere]

Because I said.

And I refuse to be wrong.

[planet_rin]

It must be cool to always be right. You should do fortune telling.

[faithful_kitsune]

Hmm... I believe I can sympathize to some extent with the feeling of a hole inside you. I have been feeling as such ever since my arrival.

[planet_rin]

Just one?

[faithful_kitsune]

Yes, but it is rather a large one. The memory loss pales in comparison.

[planet_rin]

I wonder if it's the same thing. Probably not. "There's a hole" is a pretty vague thing.

[faithful_kitsune]

Perhaps not. I do wish I could articulate it better.

[planet_rin]

There are lots of ways to express things. I'd suggest painting, but I guess it's not really working for me, either.

[faithful_kitsune]

It is something to consider, I suppose. Honestly, it is quite a frustrating feeling. That I cannot even properly identify it! How terrible, do you not think?

[planet_rin]

Probably. I'd have to try feeling different to be sure.

[has_a_blog]

What do you mean you don't know if you'll be able to go back to the other way?

[faithful_kitsune]

*As usual, it takes her a bit to parse what this means.*

Ah. My apologies. I should not be agonizing so much over my own problems when everybody else has their own as well.

[planet_rin]

[Pause to sort out some way to answer that.]

It's like if I changed how I think that much, I don't know if I'd be able to keep being me afterwards.

[planet_rin]

Isn't that what I'm doing, too?

[has_a_blog]

Wouldn't you be "you" no matter how you change?

[planet_rin]

I don't know. How do you tell who you are?

[has_a_blog]

I dunno, subdermal GPS tracking device?

Maybe I'm not quite sure what you mean by "you".

[mokomanjuu]

Is Rin okay with being full of holes, or would she like being someone who paints holes better?

[planet_rin]

I don't think I'm sure, either. This is complicated stuff.

[planet_rin]

I just want to know who I am.

[mokomanjuu]

Hm...

Rin is a girl who paints a lot and thinks about difficult things a lot. That's who Mokona knows her as so far!

[planet_rin]

That's not much to base an entire identity on.

[has_a_blog]

Well, I'm not gonna try and tell you what the right thing to do is, but maybe if you try changing yourself you'll be able to figure out who you are.